5 Times Karen Considers Doing Something Drastic
by Alex Wert
Summary: Does anyone bother writing a summary for a 5 Things fic? What's the point? I mean, it's pretty much all there in the title, isn't it? So I'm just going to fill up space here. Cantaloupes.


**Author Notes: **I don't subscribe to the Krazy!Karen hypothesis (it's not a theory since a theory needs large amounts of supporting evidence and we only have... some...) but it sure is fun.

Also, I have a friend who's dating this girl whose father is a higher-up in the astronaut ranks and according to him (via my tertiary source) that crazy astronaut lady was always a little off in the head to begin with. What that has to do with anything, I have no idea. I just wanted to get that out there.

On with the show.

* * *

1. It's Nice to Have Options 

The writing had been on the wall for a while now. Not that Karen had wanted to switch jobs - she loved it here at Dunder-Mifflin Stamford. What other office would ever force you to play gratuitously violent video games on a daily basis? If she had her way she would stay forever. But she wasn't stupid. She'd been sending out feelers for months and, when the time finally came that stupid Josh jumped ship leaving them all to sink or swim, she already had several good offers available - locally - and some at a significant pay raise.

So it pretty much came down to a choice between a great job, friends, family, benefits, and money vs. a guy she's been on a few dates with.

Decisions, decisions...

* * *

2. Just Like Rickie and Lily

She got the idea from an old episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer (_God_, she loves that show!). She and Jim would both get an opposing heart half tattooed on their forearms with each others' name written across it! It would be nice and, uh, permanent! Like, forever! (Yeah, _forever_. I mean, that's the whole point.)

Of course the guy in that episode had died a horrible, horrible death in a hell dimension labor camp, but it's the thought that counts.

* * *

3. If I Did It 

"I'm telling you, Karen, O.J. Simpson is without a doubt the greatest athlete turned actor ever," so proclaimeth Jim Halpert, expert on mediocre movies.

"What about Johnny Weissmuller?" she challenged.

Jim adopted his faux-indignant air. "A match in acting talent onscreen, maybe, but any man who lets Leslie Nielsen sit on his face for the sake of his craft deserves far more credit than a man who runs around in a loincloth with scantily clad starletts."

"Fact! Pillow smothering is not an effective method of carrying out a murder," announced Dwight, swooping in like some sort of owl (the most appropriate bird because of the glasses and tufts of hair sticking out at the top).

"Huh? What?" asked a startled Jim.

Dwight scowled at him with complete disdain - his usual facial expression while dealing with Jim. "The scene you are referencing from _The Naked Gun_. In which the doctor attempts to assassinate Nordberg by smothering him with a pillow. March, 1998: I experimented on myself with several of my own pillows of various configuration to no ill effect aside from a touch of lightheadedness. Only thicker down-filled pillows - _not _available in hospitals - are capable of causing death via asphyxiation, and even then the timeframe is beyond practical in a workplace environment." And with that Dwight abruptly slid his chair back to his own desk and continued working as though this sort of announcement was normal.

It was several seconds before a physically deflated Jim was able to talk. "Well, he completely ruined that movie for me now."

"Like the rest of it was so plausible to begin with," Karen replied. Dwight hadn't ruined the movie for her at all. She already knew about the pillow thing since she tried it on herself after the first time she and Jim had a fight. Just to see what it was like. Not because she wanted to kill herself or anything. It was only one fight, it's not like she's nuts or anything. _Geez_.

* * *

4. Kiss and Tell 

"So Jim kissed Pam," Karen grumbled to herself as she paced a groove in the floor of her apartment (two blocks away from his apartment where she can keep an eye on him if she uses her binoculars). "Like hell it didn't mean anything. We'll see how he likes it when I go around kissing..." she paused. The most applicable man for her to approximate the Jim/Pam scenario with was Andy. She was _sooo _not going there. "Okay, fine. Then I'll kiss... ummm... I'll kiss... _God, everyone else in this office is so ugly_."

* * *

5. AstroNut 

What a day. This morning Karen clicked onto the CNN website and was absolutely stunned that it was plastered with stories about 'A NASA astronaut was arrested Monday on battery and attempted kidnapping charges after allegedly trying to subdue a romantic rival with pepper spray and abduct her from a parking lot at Orlando International Airport, police said.'

It suddenly seemed so easy. And since Pam was just a few yards away, she wouldn't even _need _to wear the stupid diaper (which would make her ass look fat).

But, then again, that astronaut lady was crazy. Pepper spray, a BB gun, and a dinky little folding knife? She needed some _real _weapons.


End file.
